A2_7 Rise (and Fall) of the Planet of the Apes

Abstract

We determine the basic physical properties of a new astronomical body created by collecting the entire primate population of the Earth in orbit. We calculate the orbital distance at which the new satellite would exert a tidal force equal in magnitude to that of the moon on the Earth. At 7.2×10^4 m this is found to be three orders of magnitude smaller than the 2.7×10^7 m Roche limit and well within the body of the Earth, suggesting that there is no way such a primate satellite could significantly perturb the Earth.